Hold Fast Through the Fire Read online

  Dedication

  To all those fighting for a better world

  Cast of Characters

  Zuma’s Ghost

  Commander Nika Vagin (he/him)

  Lieutenant Maxine Carmichael (she/her)

  Ensign Nell “Sapphi” Zika (she/her)

  Chief Petty Officer Altandai “Jenks” Khan (she/her)

  Petty Officer Third Class Uchida “Tamago” Tamashini (they/them)

  Spacer Chae Ho-ki (they/them)

  Doge, ROVER (he/him)

  Dread Treasure

  Commander D’Arcy Montaglione (he/him)

  Lieutenant Commander Steve Locke (he/him)

  Warrant Officer Paul Huang (he/him)

  Petty Officer First Class Ito Akane (she/her)

  Petty Officer Second Class Aki Murphy (she/her)

  Spacer Lupe Garcia (she/her)

  Flux Capacitor

  Commander Vera Till (she/her)

  Lieutenant Qiao Xin (she/her)

  Ensign Saad Rahal (he/him)

  Senior Chief Dao Mai Tien (she/her)

  Petty Officer Third Class Atlas Nash (he/him)

  Spacer Zavia Zolorist (she/her)

  Other NeoG Personnel

  Commander Stephan Yevchenko (he/him)

  Senior Chief Luis Armstrong (he/him)

  Admiral Lee Hoboins (he/him)

  Commander Lou Seve (she/her)

  Commander Rosa Marie Martín Rivas (she/her)

  Admiral Royko Chen (she/her)

  Master Chief Ma Lěi (he/him)

  Master Gunnery Sergeant Josh “Quickdraw” McGraw (he/him)* CHN Marine joint duty tour

  Captain Kelly “Bliss” Evans (she/her)

  Petty Officer Daly Hunter (he/him)

  Captain Davi Kilini (she/her)

  Commander Alice Trine (she/her)

  Master Chief Paula Sox (she/her)

  Commander Janelle Pham (she/her)

  Ensign Inaya Gorelik (she/her)

  Senior Chief Jen Davis (she/they)

  SEAL Team One

  Commodore Scott Carmichael (he/him)

  Lieutenant Commander Ian Sebastian (they/them)

  Lieutenant Tivo Parsikov (he/him)

  Chief Petty Officer Adith Netra (she/her)

  Petty Officer Second Class Diego Cano (he/they)

  Spacer Emery Montauk (she/her)

  Other CHN Navy Personnel

  Captain Troika (she/her)

  Commander Nebula Pach, MD (she/her)

  Commander Laron Chau (he/him)

  Civilians

  Pace McClellan (he/him)

  Barnes Overton (they/them)

  Monica Armstrong (she/her)

  Gina Armstrong (she/her)

  Elliot Armstrong (he/him)

  Riz Armstrong (he/him)

  Asabi Han (she/her)

  Ernie “Sully” Sullivan (they/them)

  Ria Carmichael (she/her)

  Jeanie Bosco (she/her)

  Senator Rubio Tieg (he/him)

  Melanie Karenina (she/her)

  Vincent Grant (he/him)

  Julia Draven (she/her)

  Chae Gun (he/him)

  Michael Chae (he/him)

  Abbott Bennington (she/her)

  Blythe Hup (she/her)

  Antilles Keba (she/her)

  Jun Godfrey (they/them)

  Dr. Trei Shaylan (she/her)

  Senator Patricia Carmichael (she/they)

  Content Warning

  The following story contains moments of emotional manipulation in a relationship as well as discussion of suicidal ideation. Please proceed according to your comfort level.

  Epigraph

  It is the mission of the Near-Earth Orbital Guard to ensure the safety and security of the Sol system and the space around any additional planets that human beings call home.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Cast of Characters

  Content Warning

  Epigraph

  Preface

  One

  Interstitial

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Interstitial

  Five

  Six

  Interstitial

  Seven

  Eight

  Interstitial

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Interstitial

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Interstitial

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Interstitial

  Twenty

  Twenty-One

  Twenty-Two

  Twenty-Three

  Twenty-Four

  Interstitial

  Twenty-Five

  Twenty-Six

  Twenty-Seven

  Twenty-Eight

  Twenty-Nine

  Thirty

  Interstitial

  Thirty-One

  Interstitial

  Thirty-Two

  Thirty-Three

  Interstitial

  Thirty-Four

  Interstitial

  Thirty-Five

  Thirty-Six

  Thirty-Seven

  Thirty-Eight

  Thirty-Nine

  Interstitial

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Praise for A Pale Light in the Black

  Also by K. B. Wagers

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Preface

  “. . . and that, as they say, is that, folx. This is Pace McClellan and my faithful partner in crime, Barnes Overton, with TSN—The Sports Network. Thanks for tuning in with us over the last week. It was a wild one hundred and second Boarding Games that saw a whole lot of bloody noses and black eyes, near escapes and brilliant problem solving. There was heartache and triumph, not to mention a lot of really good fights! And in the end the Near-Earth Orbital Guard team, made up of Zuma’s Ghost and Honorable Intent, decimated the competition for their second-ever win! It was a heck of a time, right, Barnes?”

  “It was, Pace. Second win, and second in a row. The NeoG really went after it this year, while Navy went down hard, falling to a surprising third place behind the Marine contingent, who decided to come to play. Some of those black eyes were metaphorical, some not so much—I know the hit we’re all thinking of was a hundred percent literal.”

  “It was, at that, Barnes. They’re going to be talking about the black eye Carmichael gifted Parsikov during the semifinals for a good many years.”

  “Possibly because we’ll keep showing the clip.”

  “True enough.”

  “Even though Carmichael lost this time around, that was payback for him knocking her out last year, Pace.”

  “And she wasn’t the only one getting in her licks. Parsikov had to fight his way through nearly the entire contingent of NeoG fighters. After defeating Carmichael, he went up against Armstrong, and that was a hell of a fight.”

  “‘Hell’ being the operative word. We’re lucky Parsikov is a good sport, because that’s the kind of thing that normally causes deep-seated rivalries. But he seemed to take it all in stride.”

  “True enough, Barnes. I think he’s resigned himself to the fact that he’s not going to beat Jenks anytime soon.”

  “We’re certainly happy to watch the attempts. Well, folx, if you’re not ready to say goodbye to the Games just yet, stay tuned. We’ll have plenty of wrap-up interviews and highlight reels in the next few days before we swing back to regular programming. For now, though, Pace and I are going to call it a day. We’ll see you next
year.”

  One

  The music in the bar thumped up through the floor into the feet of Chief Petty Officer Altandai Khan. She danced, eyes closed and a smile on her mouth. The lower level of Drinking Games was packed with people celebrating the NeoG’s victory.

  Jenks was currently pleasantly buzzed and happily smashed between two handsome men. She didn’t even care that she’d cried like a baby in front of everyone when Commander Rosa Martín had gotten on the fucking bar and announced her promotion to chief.

  This was a perfect ending to a perfect day. She hummed and pulled Senior Chief Luis Armstrong in for a kiss.

  “She’s going to be this smug all night, isn’t she?” Lieutenant Tivo Parsikov asked from behind her right shoulder, raising his voice to be heard over the music.

  “That’s Jenks,” Luis replied to the Navy officer. “You get used to it.”

  “I kicked your ass.” Jenks leaned her head back against Tivo’s chest and grinned up at him. “He kicked your ass, even though he lost.” She pointed her finger at Luis. “And my girl Max kicked your ass even if she lost on points. So I get to be smug. If you ever manage to beat me and become the champion, then I will allow you to lord it over me for as long as it takes me to defeat you once again. Until then . . .”

  “You’re fucking insufferable.” But Tivo smiled down at her when he said it, the humor carrying into his blue-gray eyes—one ringed with an impressive bruise, courtesy of Max. “I am going to beat you one of these days.”

  “It’ll never happen, but you’re cute when you try, so don’t stop.” She turned around and pressed against him, sighing when his hands tightened on her waist. “I want another drink and then I want you boys to take me to bed.”

  “That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said in a while,” Tivo murmured as he picked her up and kissed her.

  “I am occasionally sensible. Don’t tell anyone.”

  “That is the weirdest trio.”

  Commander Nika Vagin blinked and looked away from the pair of women in the corner sitting with their heads close together. “Who is?”

  “Your sister and her—” Commander Stephan Yevchenko gestured with a grin. “Whatever is going on there.”

  “I prefer not to think of my sister and her relationships, for obvious reasons.” He slanted a glance in Jenks’s direction, then sighed and glared at Stephan, ignoring the fact that the Intel officer’s mouth was twitching into a rare full smile.

  “You’re enjoying giving me crap about my sister,” Nika said.

  “Well, that’s now part of it, but I can also poke you about the fact that you’ve spent most of the night mooning over Carmichael if it makes you feel better.”

  That stung worse than the subject of his sister’s relationships. Suspicious, he said, “Do you just enjoy seeing me miserable?”

  “You know I don’t. You also know you could fix this if you just went and talked to her,” Stephan said.

  “This is not a better topic than my sister.” Nika took a drink of his beer.

  He’d always been on good terms with Stephan, despite their rivalry in the sword ring, but the past year of working out of the Intelligence Division while he recovered had tipped things into a comfortable friendship. Enough that he could tease back in the hope it would deflect Stephan’s laser focus away from the fact that Nika was, in fact, mooning over one Lieutenant Maxine Carmichael. “Let’s try this one: How’s your nonexistent love life going?”

  “The same. Just how I like it.” The handsome brunette picked up his own beer. “I enjoy my work, Nika, and I choose to devote my time to it. I haven’t ever felt the need to be with someone, and if I did it wouldn’t be fair to ask them to put up with my obsession.”

  “Don’t you get lonely?” The question slipped out before Nika could stop it, and he only just managed not to glance Max’s way again.

  “I don’t, but not every ace is like me, Nika. Remember that.” Stephan chuckled. “For starters, I’m aromantic on top of it. I knew a long time ago I wasn’t ever going to fall in love with someone. I have the NeoG. I have you all. That’s enough for me. I like my quiet and I like having my own timetable without having to answer to anyone.” Stephan drained his beer. “Speaking of, I’ve got a flight back to London to catch and an early morning meeting. Go talk to Max, Nik. Sitting here and staring at her is creepy.”

  “You’re not my boss.”

  “I will be if you don’t accept Hoboins’s offer to go back to the Interceptors.” Stephan patted Nika on the shoulder and tipped his head to the side. “But even without that, I’m also your friend. Go talk to her.”

  When he’d first met Max almost two years ago, Nika had been on his way to Trappist and she’d been taking his place on Zuma’s Ghost. Nika had left her a letter, mostly out of a sense of tradition, but also because he’d been intrigued by the quiet, uncertain lieutenant from the very first moment they’d met.

  That one letter had turned into emails and then vid-coms, and when he’d been hurt in the explosion, Max’s face had been the first thing he’d seen when he woke.

  He’d been lost from that moment on. No, that was a lie. He’d been lost from the beginning. Nika had always picked his relationships with ease, knew himself well enough to know that he could fall hard and fast, but he loved the rush of it all. It was worth the pain of having to say goodbye when it was time to move on.

  He glanced back at Jenks. By contrast, his little sister was so careful with her heart. She loved everyone, and in doing so loved no one. It was easier for it to be “fun and done,” to steal her phrase.

  There was something about Luis’s quiet patience, though, and possibly Tivo’s as well, that had slipped past her defenses. Even if the latter had come onto the scene only a year ago when Jenks had sparred—in the ring and out of it—with the Navy fighter, and Nika still wasn’t sure if there was more to that part of the relationship beyond the sex.

  He dragged that line of thought up short and sighed.

  “You have issues, Vagin,” he muttered. “Seriously.” He looked to where Max sat with Rosa and sighed again. It seemed like Jenks’s attitudes were changing. Maybe his should, too. Maybe it was time to put in the effort rather than walking away.

  Everything had been going fine with Max, or so he’d thought, but a week before the Games she had stopped talking to him. Nika told himself it was because she was focused on winning and everything would be okay on the other side.

  It wasn’t.

  He had a feeling if Maxine Carmichael was left to her own devices, she’d let whatever was between them suffocate like a flame in a vacuum. Nika didn’t want to live with himself if he let that happen before he found out whether she truly wanted this to be over or she was just unsure of what to do with her feelings.

  Be honest, the voice in his brain whispered, you don’t want to lose her.

  He didn’t. But he didn’t want to lose her friendship more, and no matter what happened, he would walk away from the rest of it if that’s what she wanted. So he made himself get up and move across the crowded bar.

  “Hey.”

  Max’s head snapped up at the sound of his voice and he recognized that familiar panicked look in her brown eyes.

  “Nika! I was just leaving, you can have my seat.” Rosa was up and out of her chair before Max could protest.

  “Traitor,” Max muttered at Rosa’s back, and then she forced a smile onto her face. “Hey, Nika.”

  He considered making an excuse, letting her have her space—she was clearly uncomfortable with him around. However, something pushed him down into the space Rosa had abandoned. “I know this isn’t the best time to do this, but maybe we should just get it all out in the air,” he said, watching her. Max was looking down at the table instead of at him. “I need to give Admiral Hoboins an answer tomorrow and I would like your input on this, but if you won’t talk to me, that’s kind of difficult to do.” It was part statement, part question.

  “Nika. I don’t want to t
ell you what to do with your life.” She traced a finger over the tattoo of Pluto that now decorated her right forearm. Nika still couldn’t believe his sister had been able to talk the reserved lieutenant into something so impulsive, but matching Pluto tattoos somehow seemed very like the two of them.

  That friendship had shocked everyone—everyone but Nika. Max and Jenks were as opposite as you could get, and yet it worked. Some of that had to be Jenks’s gratitude for Max saving her life, but Nika was sure it was more than that.

  Just like he was sure that what he and Max could have was more than . . . whatever they had right now. Which was why Max being on the defensive upset him so much.

  I’m the one who should be afraid, he thought. She’s the smart one. The good officer. The better family. What have I got to offer her?

  “I’m not looking for you to tell me, but I do want to know how you feel about it all. It would change things for me to come back to Zuma.” Now she lifted her head and the look of pain in her brown eyes sliced through him. “The NeoG doesn’t have rules against relationships within the Interceptor teams, but I understand if that’s too much for you.”

  Max rubbed a hand over her heart and took a deep breath before she spoke. “Nika, I value your friendship and I don’t want to lose it. I have really enjoyed our time together. But with everything that’s happening, I just thought it would be best—” She fumbled, the words failing her, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t know what I’m doing. You know I’m terrible at this.”

  “Max, do you want to end this?”

  The sob escaped before she slapped a hand to her mouth, and Nika pulled her into a hug when she leaned into him.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I’m such a mess. This isn’t fair to you at all.” She was crying in public, which he knew she hated. Even more than his sister, if that was possible. Max couldn’t get past the idea that had been hammered into her: Carmichaels did not cry in public.